Today I did my 5th Step with my friend Stuart, who was very patient and graciously sat through my “4th Step Confessions”. My 4th Step took me well over two years of self-examination, first using a 4th step template that I took from my CoDA Blue Book, which I worked on periodically and then brought to my therapy sessions. This became my primary focus during my last 2 years of biweekly therapy. And then monthly sessions. I shared these 16 pages of personal inventory with my friend and fellow codependent Stuart. Stu has been going to various 12 Step Programs for 30 years, and has been going to the same CoDA meeting that I attend for the past 5 years, about 4 months less than I, plus he is a good friend, and he is the person who introduced me to my ex-wife.

Hearing myself relate the dynamics of my life, my shortcomings and deficits, my growth and desires to work on recovery, continuing reprogramming myself and facing myself honestly, hearing myself share this and let it go was cathartic. Like a burden had been lifted, and now I could move on in my recovery, in my program.
My "sharing" took about 90 minutes. Afterwards, he congratulated me, and then we sat and talked before going to Reza's for lamb shank and coos-coos.

A few days ago, I attempted to talk about some of the good qualities of my ex-wife, but much of my hurt and pain and bitterness still oozed through like an unhealed wound. So let me try again. One of her finest moments was when we invited Joe, my upstairs neighbor, to Thanksgiving Dinner. At the time, Joe had recently ended a bad marriage and was alone. So we invited him and some of our family to share Thanksgiving with us. It was quite a meal, and the warmth we shared was beautiful. Whenever my ex-wife was able to forget about herself and consider others, her beauty radiated. That's when I most loved her inside out. But those times were few and far between, and the last few years of living with her selfish madness and cruelty allows me not to miss her for more than a few minutes.