A milestone in my recovery approaches. On Labor Day Weekend, which will be exactly 5 years since I regained my sanity, I will be attending a CoDA retreat. The old adage, "Time heals all" does not necessarily apply here. This has required a lot of hard work, first in accepting that I was completely helpless and at my lowest point in my life, accepting responsibility for remaining in an unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship/marriage, and second, that I needed help to change myself. I had a lifetime of low self-esteem and codependent behaviors, so reteaching myself healthier behaviors was something I could not do all alone (Step 2 of CoDA or any 12 Step Program). I'm excited by the prospect of attending a CoDA retreat and more so on this specific weekend.

At the end of our meeting we look to the person to our left and say, "Take my hand and together we will make it." This starts with the leader of that evening's meeting and passes around until the circle is complete. Then, still holding hands, we say the serenity prayer: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." We continue with "Keep coming back; it works if you work it, and you are worth it." This is a powerful and positive affirmation.

In a sense, CoDA is my religion in that I practice it religiously and find great spiritual comfort in its principles, affirmations, and the fellowship.

I am working on forgiveness, starting with myself. I must forgive myself for being so lost and for accepting the role of victim. I understand that I was addicted to this other person and that she was not a healthy person for me to be with.

Five years ago was another lifetime.