Moving on after ending a marriage, even a bad marriage, is difficult. I have worked arduously to uncover my own dysfunction and character weaknesses in order to be able to become whole and healthy. I go to therapy and my weekly CoDA meetings; I read the literature - Melody Beattie, Andrew Weil, The Bible - and I work my Program, focus on my affirmations, and have formed healthy and platonic friendships with women. I journal. I thank God for every moment that I have, and these are wonderful moments, all. Joie de vie.

So I have moved on. I'm no longer "merely surviving life, I'm living life." But my sub-conscious life, my nighttime dreams, are another story. I have continued to dream of her, sometimes with self-doubt and sometimes just enjoying her love-making, but often in weakness finding myself back with her, and waking with a start, happy that it is only a dream. Recently, I found myself with her, engaged to her again, and conscious only of apprehension, wondering how I would explain this to family, friends, and therapist. I've wanted my entire being to be revulsed at any thought of being back with her. Finally, 4 nights ago, after a long bike ride in Copenhagen with my cousin-in-law Peter, I dreamt of talking with one of her sisters.

In the dream, her sister Lynn said, "Buddy needs your help, Gary. She...."

I cut her off and said, "No, absolutely not!"

Lynn said, "But she...."

And I said, "No, no, no...." and woke with a start, feeling like I had just experienced a break-through. I have moved on.